May 31, 2016

Me Tarzan. You bad parent?

OK, enough of the judgy parent bullsh*t a la Gorilla mom at the Cincinnati Ohio Zoo this week.

Did she do wrong? Oh hells yeah, for sure. I mean, it’s a zoo. Keep an eye on your kids.

But is she always that bad? I very much doubt it. Epic… EPIC fail on her part this time around, no doubt…

Listen, we’ve all, as parents, done some dumb, inattentive sh*t, so let they who are without sin cast the first stone, mmmkay?

Hell, let’s turn it into a fun drinking game, shall we?

in the style of ‘never have I ever...’ (if you have, then do a shot. Your choice of liquor. I’ll choose Scotch. Keep it sophisticated).

Never have I ever…

…dropped my child when they were a baby
…found my learning-to-crawl toddler halfway up a set of stairs I didn’t know they were on
…caught my kid drinking from the dog water bowl
…slammed my child’s hand in a car door
…been separated from my child on a crowded train
…been in the sole care of my child when they severed part of their finger while “playing” with an exercise bike…

OKAAAY, that’s enough sharing. I, for sure, am pretty buzzed by now.

Fact is, we all suck as parents at times. 

Go on, say it. It’s liberating. 

Luckily for most of us, our sucky parenting moments have not taken place in very public places that lead to consequences so drastic that one of our endangered hominidae cousins had to be snipered in order to save our children.

I’ll set aside the jokes now. I believe that Gorilla mom probably loves her little one just the same as you do yours—I know that my love for my kids is unconditional—and I believe that she probably is a good parent 99.9 per cent of the time, same as you and me.

There’s nothing good about this story. Parent not paying attention. Kid doing something it shouldn’t. Zoo, giving a paying public a view of one of its wildest creatures so clear that it’s barriers are now negotiable by a four-year old. A precious creature of the earth, dead.

Nothing will change this situation now. Go back to hating something where your energy can be a force for good. Like the Trump campaign.

Until next time, watch your kids, and enjoy your scotch >hic<